Cervical Caffeine Addiction and Other Female Maladies

 

Today I ventured, quite reluctantly, into the horror that potentially could be  Barrycare.  Having a “female problem” requiring minor surgery; I needed pre-op testing.  The “testing” portion took all of 10 minutes. The inane amount of questions took one hour.

 During my last pre-barrycare hospital visit, I graciously filled out the required questionnaire and didn’t balk at the mandatory blood sample.  At the time, I had no qualms with questions inquiring if I wore dentures, although I didn’t.  I figured if I did have removable teeth and began to choke during surgery, I would want someone to remove the dentures wedged in my throat.

 In my expert opinion, this time the questions asked were never ending, totally unrelated and therefore, unnecessary. 

 One wouldn’t be terribly surprised if I confessed I lost it just a wee bit when the nurse practitioner asked me if I cleaned my house.  I responded, “Can you tell me what this has to do with my cervix?”

 “Well,” the nurse responded, “They like to know everything that is going on in your body before surgery.”  I sarcastically replied, “Tell them that I am independently wealthy and have a full time maid.”

 “They” don’t need to know I’m the full time maid.

 The next question was, “Do you drink coffee?”  I thought to myself, “If I don’t someone could get seriously hurt.” But instead I responded “Yes.”  The nurse asked, “How much?”  “Well,” I retorted, “I drink one cup a day and it’s 24 ounces ….do with that as you wish.” 

 Nurse Ratchett asked, “Do you get a headache if you don’t have it?”  “Hell, yeah,” I told her.  No doubt that response will automatically qualify me for the “addict” category.

 Someone needs to point out the necessity of all the coffee questions.  As I see it, my cervix doesn’t drink the coffee; my mouth does, so why ask?

 The only logical explanation is that coffee will be the next substance banned by the ever concerned and benevolent White House.  It seems to me the food police are trying to get data to indicate how many people will be going through the DT’s when involuntary caffeine withdrawal is imposed upon them.  

 Included were the customary, “Do you smoke, drink or take drugs?”  “No”, “No” and “No.”  But after these questions, I am seriously considering it. 

 When the inquisition finally ceased my blood pressure, it was 160/95.  Need I say more?

 In the ol’ days the biggest concern was someone obtaining a social security number or, God forbid, an actual birth date.  This pre-op experience made me realize that every aspect of life is due to be in a medical computer database for the entire world to see.  Everything from how much coffee your cervix drinks to how often you vacuum your floors is now mandatory information whether applicable to your condition or not.  Makes one long for the good ol’ days. 

 I don’t know, maybe it’s me.